we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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