Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
