True but thats because hes a fetus.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i will never coherently bang her
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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