Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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