I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
