im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
