You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
my liver is dry heaving
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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