just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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