then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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