And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
