Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
