we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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