As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
