You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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