So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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