i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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