I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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