i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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