dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
