Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
