Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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