I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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