I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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