and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
