So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
