There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
