His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
