I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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