Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
