the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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