I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
