the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That accounts for only three of the penises
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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