I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
