u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
