the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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