the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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