careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize