Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I puked a lego.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
