Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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