So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
