"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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