One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
