Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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