My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize