i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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