cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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