I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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