You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
