If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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