I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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