Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
