we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We had sex on a dog bed..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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