I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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