Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
