You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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