Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
