i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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