She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
