We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
