I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
